I Want to Give Up

Irish Cottage

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Sometimes, I just want to give up.

Just drop everything, settle down peacefully in some small corner of Ireland with a wife, and read books.

Of course, I would still be me… I would write, and learn things, and make websites, and probably start a church eventually. But I would forget about all these projects, leave them alone, drop them behind, ignore them. Too much effort, too much time, too much heartache and busy-ness. I want peace, I want rest, and I want to be let alone. I don’t want to be famous, I don’t want to have thousands of people who know my name, I just want to be by myself with my books and my family off in some green field with a castle in my backyard.

But would I actually be content? Would I be able to do it and actually have the peace I seek there? And also, haha, would I actually be able to restrain my inexorable talent and passion for starting big things?

I doubt it. And would I be able to ask the respect of a wife, if I have abdicated from God’s plan for my life? Would I be able to find God’s peace in my own path? No. I wouldn’t.

That path is for others, others whom God has called to it, but not for me. For me, the burden is a different, and in a way, a heavier one. But it is the only one for me.

And so I go on. I pour out a verdant torrent of projects, of plans, of ideas, of goals. I change the scheme, alter the mood, and overturn worldviews without blinking (no, I haven’t watched Tron, but I want to, and I am very familiar with all the clips on youtube, haha). I challenge presuppositions and I revamp systematic theologies. I break out of the mold and create new cultural mindsets out of thin air.

And I love it. Ask my friends: I can’t separate things from the Big Picture. Every idea I have grows to megalithic proportions, weaving itself into the entirety of my psyche, my plan, my life. I am chronically addicted to starting projects.

But it is tiring, it is exhausting, and it is wearying. But it drives me into God to find the strength I need, and when I go to Him, I do find it. That is how I know this is my path: if it wasn’t, I couldn’t do it.

And so on I go. Here I am. Here I stay. Here I stand. Here I go.

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24 Responses

  1. Just make sure that when you marry she is REALLY into finishing things. ;o)

  2. My first thought was “You’re too young to give up! You’ve barely started!” which sounds odd coming from someone younger than you but which is probably true anyway.

    My second thought is a vague idea for a book that I’m going to bury somewhere in my sub-concious and let grow for a while.

    And my third thought was that this is a very good post, which I’m sure we all need to tell ourselves every once in a while.

    • * chuckles * I agree there, Katie. I am too young to give up. Though, how bitterly sad would it be if, at the end of 90 years of life, I look back, and get so discouraged that I give up? Would I be too young then as well? Yes.

      Haha, I like it when I inspire book ideas. πŸ˜€

      I hoped that it would encourage and challenge some of my readers. Thank you for your comment! πŸ™‚

  3. […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Stephanie Hodgson, Jay Lauser. Jay Lauser said: I Want to Give Up http://wp.me/pthKx-ej […]

  4. “But would I actually be content? Would I be able to do it and actually have the peace I seek there? And also, haha, would I actually be able to restrain my inexorable talent and passion for starting big things?”

    Ha, no way. πŸ˜€

    That would be awful if you gave up all your big dreams: there is a reason God has given them to you, and I don’t think it would be very pleasant to have to go to Him and say, “um… I just got too tired. That’s why I didn’t do what you put me here for. I just gave up. It was too hard.”

    And doing things that are too big for you is exactly what God wants… If you only ever did things that were small enough for you to handle “on your own” you’d never have to rely on God fully– You wouldn’t be desperate for Him to come through– You’d never get to see Him do completely amazing and impossible things… what a pathetic life!

    “But it is tiring, it is exhausting, and it is wearying. But it drives me into God to find the strength I need, and when I go to Him, I do find it. That is how I know this is my path: if it wasn’t, I couldn’t do it.

    Exactly!

    • Thanks for the confirmation, Carissa, haha. That is a great way to put it. πŸ™‚

      “You wouldn’t be desperate for Him to come through”

      Isn’t that the only place where we truly draw close to God? When we are hanging onto Him for our very lives? πŸ™‚

    • You’re welcome… yes, I’ve been thinking about that rather a lot, between the message on Sunday and the Bright Lights meeting Monday and just… getting to know God better.

      Yep, it seems that way. That’s why we’ve got to be dangerous… this culture is dreadfully addicted to safety, I’m afraid. Or rather what we think of as safety. πŸ˜›

    • We’ve lost too much ground to stay on the defensive. πŸ™‚

  5. I’m a lazy procrastinator by nature, and left to my own devices with zero pressing responsibilities, I do absolutely nothing. I “gave up” for years while I was single and backsliden, and had lonliness and boredom to show for it.

    Now I have a growing family and while I still want nothing more than to be left alone and sleep in every day, I cannot. There is too much to do, and there is pretty much only me to do it.

    And in all of it, every step of the way, I see God’s hand in my life, guiding me, helping me, shaping me, directing me.

    Having a country gentleman’s estate in Ireland does sound pleasant, but not likely for me any time soon. Maybe when my youngest are out the door and I can finally, actually, relax.

    I’m sure God will find something to keep me occupied.

    • I believe that ‘something to keep us occupied’ is something that God will give to us only if we ask Him for it. If we open our hearts to Him, and do what is right in front of us diligently, looking for more, and being faithful in the little things, He will trust us with the big things.

      And I believe God will have no one to be idle in His kingdom. There is something for you to do. Always. Idleness is not an option in His plan.

      Just some thoughts that came to me on reading your comment. Hopefully they may encourage you some. πŸ™‚

  6. *chuckles* Umm. . . Jay. . . way to sound like me.

    Contentment is not measure of how much or how little one does; it is measure of how open we are to letting God control our lives. Those who live without purpose are never content because they have nothing to lean into and look back on progress. Contentment is an ever changing goal in human life; yet, with God as the center of it, it can be measured and can be truly felt.

    Beautiful post, Jay. I most heartily agree with your statements. πŸ™‚

  7. I can’t see you being content without all of your big ideas, Jay. It is ingrained in your system. You’re a visionary. You’d wilt without somthing to drive you.

  8. That’s a good term…

  9. God bless you. πŸ™‚

  10. I really needed that right now. Thanks.

  11. I’ve reread this every night since I first stumbled upon it. You have succintly put in a few paragraphs how I feel about my life right now.

    Thank you for putting it down in the right words!

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