I have a pretty bad memory. Honest. Yes, I’ve trained it to be able to memorise things rapidly and securely, but I needed to do that because my natural memory is so bad. I’m so bad I can forget the topic of a conversation halfway through the third sentence. I’m even having a hard time remembering all the examples I came up with to illustrate my bad memory!
But I also have a tremendous memory.
A memory that can remember every intricate detail of all the things I most desperately want to forget: my sinful proclivities.
Knowledge I do not want to have, knowledge I wish I never had, is ingrained into me with the tenacity of a demon.
And I wish I could forget.
To never know the vile words I know. To never have seen the sights I’ve seen. To never have heard the sounds I’ve heard. To never have handled the things I’ve handled.
I am repulsed by my past. I abhor my flesh. For even now my nature longs after and craves those old sins, despite my absolute rejection of them and hunger for God. Do I live in them any longer? No. But they still tempt me.
And those bare temptations vex my soul and grate on me. I hate that I ever gave in to them. I hate that those desires linger in me.
Oh, to forget and be innocent!
How I yearn for Heaven, when I shall not be tempted any longer!
How I long for my new body… when my mind will be cleansed from the gutter!
But yet… I have a hope in this Earth, in this life.
It cleans, it washes, it scours, it cuts, it drives away, it renews, it builds, it tears down, it remakes, it heals, it purges, it empowers, it enlivens. And so, it can give a little taste of Heaven to us on Earth. It can fill our mind with rejoicing in God to such a degree that it chases away the profanity within us.
And so I hope.
And I plunge myself into the waters of the Bible.
And slowly, slowly, I change.